Wednesday, July 3, 2013

welcome to it. sit down. get comfortable. you're never leaving.

I've got this friend, Carlee
Carlee and her family started travelling to Haiti in 2010, just as soon as we moved from the Mountain.
We'd gone to Sunday School together and were casual pals. 
We had kids roughly the same age and such; played soccer together; waved hello:
that sort of thing. 
When Carlee and Eddy started visiting Haiti they fell hard for a little boy named Kervens
who was at the orphanage they visited.
Shortly after coming home to the Mountain, they decided to pursue adoption.
Because we had become all "adopty" ourselves in preparing to find the kiddo 
who would become Rissa, 
everyone and their mama told us about Carlee's Haitian adoption. 
We even chatted exuberantly on the phone comparing
international adoption notes 
once or twice back then. 
Carlee's adoption was beautiful. Arduous. And L.E.N.G.T.H.Y. with a capital "L".
When we were bringing Rissa home lickety-split I was embarrassed by the riches of speed
compared to Carlee's formidable, grueling process
which seemed like an endless, inky tunnel of bureaucracy. 
I remember being a bit ill at ease, knowing how the timelines deviated. 
I knew of course that was silly...and Carlee tried to alleviate me of such nonsense...
but there was this undeniable injustice 
and I just couldn't un-feel it.

Mostly, I remember just really wondering HOW.
HOW they could wait so long.
HOW they could endure it.
HOW they could stand the multiple visits, leaving without him time and time again. 
WHY had they chosen this.
and HOW.

It boggled me. Seriously. 

Clearly, this would be where we would adopt from next.
And everyday after January 18 has found me bewildered,
simply confounded that this is where we have ended up: Haiti. 

Because of one face. 

All those 27 months I watched Carlee wait for Kervens to come home. 
All those months I was a little ashamed of our adoption's speed and also a little amazed that they'd chosen to do something so unyielding, so laborious as adopt from Haiti. 
All those months I wondered HOW and WHY.

*I cannot help but smirk at God.*
As if He'd said: "Here. You really wanna know HOW? Welcome to it."

This is HOW they could wait so long...because if they stopped fighting he'd just remain there in the orphanage. 
This is HOW they endured...because every, single day they were forced to their limit waiting on God to show up. 
This is HOW they could visit again and again....because any moments together were worth the pain of separation afterward.
This is HOW they chose Haiti....that's where the kid was.

Kervens came home March 8, 2013. It really happened. 
Some days that's the coin I keep wrapped in my fist.

Most days I keep busy with these 4 rambunctious, ridiculous, rowdy, ravishing small people.
But my 5th child in Haiti...her being there and us being here...
it's like wearing a pair of shoes 2 sizes too small.
It pinches. It nags. It is unresolved. 

I've no idea HOW we'll make it another 1.5 years...maybe more. 
We have been waiting to be submitted to IBESR for more than a month. 
It was to have been May...or June...and now it is July already.

The HOW is not so important from where I stand now. Nor the WHY. 
Only WHO.