Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Next

I am pulling together this year's blog into a book again, for my children to read.
Well...for them to read in The Future, anyhow.
For me
 this blog
 has always been about leaving a trail for them
for explaining
 these little lives.

As I gather the threads and loop all the stories of this year into 
one long-spun, lumpy ball of yarn
I wonder to God:

"Where are we going Next?"

You'd think I'd be satisfied.
You'd think I'd be exhausted.
You'd maybe think you'd like to roll your eyes at me.
And I'd maybe like to do that as well.

Lately I have felt quieted. And that's immensely unlike me.
I don't even really mean verbally quiet - more like
 mentally idling...
a car parked with a running motor...

I have found myself

 paralyzed.


For this year
 this
 1
little life 
I live 
was a big year.


2011's story was the climax in an 8-point story arc.

It was NEWS.

We ADOPTED our baby. Everyone tuned in and got stoked!
It was AWESOMELY exciting and I mean for no one more than for Andrew and I.

And it still is.

And we have continued to see some incredibly miraculously powerful things happen...
things I will write down before this year is ended...
we have been privy to so many MIRACLES...
we have stood in the direct oncoming traffic of God's grace...
we have NEEDED Him...
we have been changed...
we have been scarred by Africa...
and we have been left totally off-kilter. 

A best friend said it pointedly if not passive-aggressively recently:
"You're so 'activist' now."
I guess I maybe am.
Most of this year's Christmas gifts are Free Trade Approved 
meaning no one was harmed to produce what makes us "merry and bright".

Good grief, I never thought of that before! I never even gave it a moment's notice!

I am off-kilter.
I feel paralyzed.
I feel unsure how to step off the speeding train we have been on
hesitant to take a 
single
step
away
from this journey because it has been a paradigm-shifting event.

It's like being at a rock concert for an evening
and trying to hear a whisper afterward. 

I am straining to hear
but as one friend smirked at me the other day,
I have aparently become a "miracle junkie"
accustomed to seeing something stunning happen
 so I
have become afraid to 
blink 
so as not to miss it happening again.

It's a problem.


And I am walking through it.
I find myself asking the Lord:

"What's Next?"

Because I know that I counsel others:
"You can't mess up God's plan"
and 
"Just keep walking"

but somehow
I am afraid I can mess up God's plan

{as if I were that talented}

or I am afraid to take a solitary step in any one direction

{as if I could ever escape God.}

I know.
It's ludicrous.

But it's where I am.

I have been sinking cozily into Jesus Calling still, 
comforted by it's daily insistence that I am 
loved
safe
cherished
approved.

It is insulating me for what's Next.

Whatever that is.








4 comments:

  1. Love this and understand it on SO many levels.

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  2. And I have been enjoying Jesus calling on the other side of the world, thanks to your generous loaning of the iPad! ;) love you!!

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  3. Loving you, Esty. Loving Him too.
    (sorry I don't feel like complete sentences tonight somehow.)

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