Sunday, July 24, 2011

The Great Need

One of my most defining qualities has always been 
The Great Need to be Understood.
It's been paralyzing 
demanding 
and life-long.
I Need to be Understood.
A friend of my Mom's from my childhood used to joke:

"Esty doesn't mind punishment for the crime...
as long as she's had the chance to fully explain herself first."

This was really amusing when I was pigtailed and 3.
But just ask my husband how adorable it is now.
It's a problem.
And admittedly, I have known about this for a while.


It sort of goes hand-in-hand with another issue I wrestle with: 
Inexplicably High Expectations of Others.

My
 Stratosphere-High Expectations of Others
+
The Great Need to be Understood
 should =
everyone nodding in agreement that they "GET me."
Vaildation.
Justification.
Understanding.
Appreciation.
Maybe some hand-clapping wouldn't hurt.
Back-patting is always nice.
And roaring, inspired crowds: definitely a bonus.

In adulthood this has manifested into a buncha girlfriends
who I could call on to 
listen
advise
gossip with
lament to
complain to
ask advice of
kibbitz with
and most importantly 
who could meet The Great Need.
They "GOT me."
Whatever came,
I could feel safe.
Validated.
Elite.
Smug.
I formed My Sorority of Supporters For Myself.
I was "Got."


*much of this has now changed.*

And it's not My Sorority's fault.
I have gone from a Southern-y, hostess-y, public school-y, carpool-line-y,
Doctor's wife ...
to a homeschooling, fairly-messy, makeup-less, spit-up-covered, Africa-loving, adoption-advocating
weirdo.
{Kept the Husband, though. :)}

I changed all my own rules.
My location.
My family size.
And a fair amount of my convictions along the way.

This is a problem.

Especially if you have The Great Need like I do.

I want people to "GET me."
We all have The Great Need, in fact.
It resonates through Scripture. 
It blinks at me in red on my kids' faces.
I hear it tinkling through a friend's anecdotes.
I make out strands of it running braided through movie dialogue...
everyone want someone to "GET me".

As I walk the bridge towards obedience
some jump over the railing...
parachute away...

and I hear my own voice echoing back to my own ears
 The Sorority
 gone
uninterested
bored
unable to "GET me" any longer.
To be honest, all of a sudden I realize... loneliness.

I have The Great Need, remember. 
To be Understood.
And often now...I am just really
.......not.

It sinks in.
And sticks to my heart like cold oatmeal.
I have to scrub out the rejection, my confusion, my bits of resentment
with Truth.
Remember :


HEY - someone DOES "GET me."


I wanted to be 
God's Girl
at God's Time
for God's Aproval

right, self?

"And now without The Great Need met by The Sorority,
I am lonely? Seriously, self?!"

"Knock it off", 
(I am really preaching to myself now)
"and grow up in your faith why don't you?"

God  "GETS me."
Jesus made me.
He even made The Great Need and put it in me.
Intentionally.


"The LORD your God is in your midst,
    a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
   he will quiet you by his love." 
~Zephaniah 3:17

I would really have to think very, very hard about whether I have ever been 
"quieted by His love"
before.

But I long for this now.
It meets The Great Need.

And big news here:
it's the ONLY thing that meets The Great Need.

The Great Need to be Understood remains.
But it is Satisfied
when I allow it to be
in Him.

6 comments:

  1. I adore your heart Esty. : )

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  2. Esty...I have been wrestling with exactly what you said here...oh thank you for writing it down! I was up late praying about this exact thing! Your open heart has blessed me today!! Praying for you!

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  3. Love this!! I can relate to it in someways. Thank you for sharing your heart. It's beautiful!

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  4. I don't always "get" you and that's why I love you so much!!!!!!! Praying that you and I, and *every*one, "gets" that there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

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  5. I feel at times that the only ones who truly "get" me are GOd and Charlie

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  6. I don't get everything about you, friend, but oh, how I like you! Thank you for challenging us to be near to Him.
    suchakingdom.blogspot.com

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