Sunday, January 30, 2011

The Wilderness

The last month has been confusing.
We were certain!
We were decisive!
 We were determined!
But this month has been depleting and disorienting.

Step #1 = Applied to the Agency we had chosen for this adoption.

check!

Step #2 = Applied to China Program @ Agency for Eligibility to Adopt.
Agency responds with skepticism that this is going to work for us.
(pause..........................................................

waiting...............................

waiting.........)

and disappointment.

Step #3 = Double check entire process using another Agency.

Send Papers to Bejing, seeking THEIR decision on our Eligibility to Adopt.

(pause.................................................

waiting...............................

waiting..............)

and disappointment.


Step #4 = Utter Bewilderment.



It's a complicated process, especially with China, you must understand.
We knew this when we signed up : it's subjective. It's risky.

But we never expected to fall into the catagory of Impossible since we have been so determined that:
"...From now on we are winding our way down a Red Threaded path to Bejing and Guangzhou
and beyond." - Jan 1, 2011

We never imagined the "beyond" meant anywhere else though!
All of these moments lead to ALOT of self-examination.
To beseeching the Lord.
To searching our hearts, questioning our motives, poring over scripture and wrestling with God.
"Are we wrong, God? Are we mistaken? Have we mis-heard?
Are we literally incapable of knowing how to follow you, God?
What's this all been about?
Why doesn't this make any sense?
Why have you put China in our hearts?
How do we makes sense of this pull to China?
Daughter: Where.    Are.   You?"

and
We are currently looking for the way out of this jungle, still hacking branches that are obscuring the path.

But.
There are some things we KNOW:

1.) We are called to parent. (James 1:27)

2.) Our daughter is Out There Somewhere. (Psalms 68:6)

3.) We will not give up. (Luke 18: 1-8)

4.) We will not give in. ("Once our eyes are opened, we can't pretend we don't know what to do. God who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows that we know and holds us responsible to act... Proverbs 24:12")

5.) I am no one's savior. (John 14:6)

6.) But I am grafted into the Vine and He has me. (John 15:1-5)

7.) I feel weak but He is my strength. (Zeph 3:17)

8.) When I keep focused on following Jesus and keep my eyes fixed on him, I march along just fine. When I listen to other voices of anxiety...not so much.


So, we are still certain - and determined.
Maybe not decisive yet...instead looking for the clearing up ahead in this Wilderness
ready to stop wandering
ready to walk on.

It may be that the Red Threaded Path are on did indeed lead through Bejing...
but now leads somewhere Beyond...

5 comments:

  1. Be encouraged, Sister!
    Love you!
    Audrey

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  2. Whoops - forgot to put the verse(s)
    ISAIAH 40

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  3. Hang on to what you KNOW to be true, my friend. You are dearly loved by our Heavenly Father, and He KNOWS. Praying you can rest in that assurance.

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  4. Esty--you've been on my mind and heart so much over the past couple of weeks. I'm praying for you and have great hope the He will lead You exactly where you need to go...even if it doesn't look at all like you'd originally thought.

    So great to know you and walk this journey with you--
    Lib.

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  5. but we all know what happens after the wilderness...promised land ;)

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